Dawn Reader

Dawn Reader
from Open Door Coffee Co.; Hudson, OH; Oct. 26, 2016

Thursday, January 22, 2015

Getting "Old Man" Spam

I really don't need reminders that I'm no longer a Spring Chicken. I can feel it in my knees, the sway of imbalance; I can see it in Time's Evil Mirror.

But every now and then I forget. The other day, for example, I was at the BMV getting a replacement driver's license (yes, the Old Guy who has somehow stolen my body "lost" the license, which, in fact, was just elsewhere in his wallet, not in its wonted place); the clerk asked me about my hair color--I'd written "brown" on the form.

"Now, what color is your hair?"

"Brown ... well, used to be brown," I mumbled like a third grader caught cheating on a comma quiz.

"We need to go with what it actually is," she said--fairly gently. I was actually impressed: sensitivity in the BMV! And she even looked and sounded a bit like my third grade teacher, Mrs. Ziegler; Adams School; Enid, Okla.

"Gray," I said (though I think I like "silver" better--sounds somehow more ... valuable).

"Yes," she agreed--far too quickly. And started typing gray into her computer. Sigh.

Though I may forget my age, my computer never forgets. How do I know? Spam. News feeds. Let's take the latter first. I use Yahoo as my home page (I know, I know ... get over it). As I scroll down the news feed on Yahoo, I see other links and stories that Yahoo has provided just for me. Here's one of them that was there the other day: How Older Men Tighten Their Skin

I did not click on it--will not click on it (I have standards!)--but it's the sort of thing I see in that feed quite a bit. I'm guessing that you high school students whom I taught in 2010 or so do not see those stories. You probably get things like, oh, How to Keep Your Skin Like BeyoncĂ©'s.

And, of course, there's spam, which gmail promptly assigns to my spam folder, a folder I nonetheless must check occasionally to make sure gmail hasn't screwed up (imagine!) and placed there a message from HarperCollins inviting me to submit a manuscript--$1 million advance as soon as I do so. (This has not yet happened, but it could, you know? So I gotta keep checking.)

Anyway, as you can imagine, my spam includes all sorts of things for my health (drugs, supplements) and for my, uh, shall we say potency? Potency of a certain variety. (Pointless, of course, in my case since, a prostate cancer sufferer, I am enjoying quarterly Lupron injections, injections whose sole purpose is to kill my testosterone to retard the advance of the disease, which feasts on testosterone.)

Oh, and there are also invitations via spam to undergo procedures that will, the messages assure me, increase my, uh, dimensions.

And invitations to "connect" with young girls from eastern European countries--just for companionship, mind you.

There are also links to information on cruises (that'll be the day) and to all sorts of other Senior Information (Medicare, for example; this link was on my feed just now: Medicare Expenses Can Be Suffocating). I'm guessing younger computer users see things like this: Is It Time to Switch from Flintstones Vitamins?

I actually switched some time ago: to One-a-Day--50+. I'm surprised they don't have yet older versions. 60+ 70+ 80+ And You're still alive? See? Our vitamins work!

Yep--keep taking those vitamins and you'll forever be a Spring Chicken, never a Superannuated Rooster.

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